Why Resolutions Fail with Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps

“What is it that makes it hard for some people to change? One essential piece is Attachment Theory.” - Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

We often put off changes and schedule them to start on January 1st. Many of these idealistic resolutions fail shortly after beginning, so it is important to be thoughtful when planning so that you can set yourself up for success.

Today’s guest is Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps. Leslie is a noted psychologist who authored a number of books, including Insecure in Love, The Insecure in Love Workbook, and Bouncing Back from Rejection. She writes the Authentically You Blog and the Psychology Today Making Change Blog. Additionally, she is a national speaker and hosts a YouTube channel.

“Most change is not a straight line.” - Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

Show Notes:

• [1:00] – Leslie describes what she does in her career as a psychologist and author.
• [2:32] – Throughout her work, Leslie continued to go back to the question, “What makes it so hard for some people to change?”
• [5:47] – There’s nothing wrong with New Year's Resolutions. But waiting to start making a change till a specific day is not effective.
• [7:02] – You can feel good about yourself and recognize that change is good to move towards.
• [8:23] – When people are insecurely attached, they have a negative sense of self. What is driving them forward is negativity.
• [9:58] – It takes a lot of work to be able to be compassionate with yourself.
• [11:49] – Leslie discusses some small changes she made for herself that allowed her to be consistent.
• [15:04] – Leslie explains the Michelangelo Effect.
• [17:47] – Relationships you are in have an impact on your self-esteem.
• [19:02] – Just because it feels true, doesn’t mean it is true.
• [20:17] – Adding in the word “yet” gives us an idea of a future that will be different.
• [21:24] – Setbacks will happen, but they are not failures.
• [24:18] – You have to be persistent in making changes you want to make.
• [26:47] – If you can’t seem to make a change, you have to get into the micro parts of yourself and find out why.
• [28:32] – Leslie suggests making different levels of goals.
• [30:15] – Prepare yourself for good days and bad days. How can you support yourself on a down day?
• [33:10] – When you are having really good days, you can clearly remember the days you struggle. Write a letter to your future self on a down day.

“Just because it feels true, doesn’t mean it is true.” - Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

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Transcript:

Leslie, thank you so much for coming on the Easy Prey Podcast today.

Thank you very much for inviting me on.

Can you give me a little background about who you are and what you do?

I am a psychologist. I’m a lot of other things. I’m a wife. I’m a mother, but I’m essentially a psychologist. I have a private practice where I work with adults, individuals, and couples. But a lot of what I also do is I do a lot of writing. I have a YouTube channel and do a lot of writing.

I have three books out there—Insecure in Love. My most recent one was the Insecure in Love Workbook and then Bouncing Back from Rejection. Importantly, they’re all based on this idea of something called attachment theory.

Some years ago, I was the director of a women’s trauma program, in-patient and day program, women with histories of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. It’s very heavy stuff. I was glad to have done it.

When my time came to move on, what I decided is I really like to write and teach. I wanted to figure out what I could do that would be maybe a little bit lighter. I don’t do light well is what I learned. I did positive psychology. I’m like, “This is great, but what happens when that doesn’t work?”

I leaned back on what I learned from the trauma work. I said, “What is it that makes it hard for some people to change? Really, what’s the nut of this?” What I came to was a few things. One, a central piece is attachment theory, which is this idea that we are born into this world with an attachment system. It’s part of our ability to survive as human beings.

We connect or we attach to our caregivers, and they help keep us alive physically and emotionally. It’s how we develop who we are as a person and what our relationships are. That’s the center of what trauma interferes with for people or anybody every day when you have troubles changing.

If you feel insecure in your attachment, it’s going to make it harder for you in life in relation to yourself, you’re more likely to feel negatively towards yourself, and in relation to other people, you’re going to have some struggles. I know this is long-winded. Who am I? That’s really the reason that part of what we’re talking about is center to how I think and the work that I do.

The public-facing issue is like New Year’s resolutions, how we make decisions, and why we so often fail at them. We were talking before we recorded; I’m really opinionated about New Year’s resolutions.

I’m one of those people who I come from this position of if I want to change something, I need to make a decision to figure out the reason why I do it. If it’s important, and let’s say it’s, “Hey, I need to lose weight or I need to be healthier, I need to start now while I’m committed to this change that needs to happen in my life.”

As opposed to, “Well, on January 1st, then I’ll start exercising more, three months from now. After I’ve eaten too much for Thanksgiving, had too much candy for Christmas, then I’ll start my weight-loss regimen.” I’m just using that as a good example.

Marketing always seems to tie in with that as well of, “Hey it’s January 1st. It’s time to make all these changes in your life, and today is the day to start them.” I see the stats of our success rates at New Year’s resolutions are really bad. I think usually it’s mid-February by the time that we’ve given up on them. I’ve always had this position of people just really setting themselves up for failure and discouragement.

They could have success, but this methodology is just not going to work. This arbitrary January 1st isn’t going to work. Am I anywhere based in reality on my thoughts here, or am I totally off in fantasy land and I’ve got some issues I’ve got to work through?

I don’t know about the issues you have to work through, but it’s a problem. If you’re just going along in life and like, “Oh, it’s New Year’s. OK, what am I going to change?” That’s a problem. It falls off.

There’s nothing wrong with making the New Year’s resolution if it’s part of a bigger move within yourself of realizing a change you really want, you’ve done some internal work on setting up what it is you want to be different, how you want to go about it, and New Year’s happens to line up with your start date, there’s nothing wrong with that.

The problem is, as you said, if you’re just like, “Oh, I’ll start tomorrow. Oh, I’ll do it on New Year’s,” that’s not getting you anywhere. To your point about businesses coming out of the woodwork to say, “Oh, join our gym, start our diet plan,” or whatever, you get sucked in, and by February or March, you’re done, and out a few bucks.

How do we want to frame successful-making changes then?

That’s a good question. It’s about the changes you want to make for yourself. It’s not about New Year’s. Again, if you want that as your start date, nothing wrong with it. It’s about really looking inside, connecting with yourself, knowing what are the things that feel good about me.

I know we’re talking about change, but it’s really important to start with a foundation of these are the things that make me me. This is what makes me feel good about me, and this is something that I would like to change.

When you do that, when you even form the question that way, you can feel good about yourself. You can recognize change is something you want to move towards. Pretty much, most change is not a straight line. If you struggle with whatever the changes you want to make, but you feel good about yourself, you can be like, “Oh, that was hard. OK, here’s what I need to do,” and you move yourself forward.

I say you start with knowing yourself. “These are the things I feel good about. This is the change I want to make.” Then you get clarity on it. You make your plan, your concrete plan, and you go forward with that. Does that help?

Yeah. If we have to know ourselves, we have to have clarity, and we have to make a plan. What are some of the pitfalls of maybe not properly assessing ourselves? Or with each of these steps, there’s a place where we can go right and where we can go wrong. Again, not absolutes that are maybe beneficial or not so beneficial.

One of the areas where I think a lot of people struggle—this is why I ground this in what do you feel good about yourself about—is insecurity. I talked about that attachment theory thing when I was explaining myself.

When people are insecurely attached, part of this means you connect with yourself in a way where you feel you’re not quite lovable, you’re flawed, or you just have this negative sense of yourself. -Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

When people are insecurely attached, part of this means you connect with yourself in a way where you feel you’re not quite lovable, you’re flawed, or you just have this negative sense of yourself. Then what’s driving you forward is this negativity about you, and chances are, it’s not going to go well if everything’s coming out of that. That’s where people go wrong.

“I’ve got to get rid of my weight,” or, “I have to get rid of this,” and you’re trying to distance yourself from you. That’s where people go wrong. Where you can turn it around is you can be aware of, “Oh, wow. I have a lot of self-doubt. I’m very conscious of my body image,” or whatever it is that doesn’t feel good. Allow yourself to see it and say, “Yeah, I’m having that trouble, and that’s hard.”

Just like if you had a friend and they were struggling, you wouldn’t be like, “You fat oaf,” or whatever. You’d be like, “Oh, wow. I know it’s really hard. I’m here to support you. You have so much going for you. You just have this struggle.”

You want to be able to know this is my struggle and be supportive of you. If you begin the change with that awareness of you, what your struggles are, and being aware in a compassionate way—that takes work, by the way.

Just to get to the point where you could be like, “OK, I am aware this is my struggle.” I can see it with some perspective so that I can appreciate it’s a human struggle, and you have caring towards yourself. That’s a process by itself. I don’t know if you have those self-doubts, but it’s easy to get caught back up and beating yourself up.

Yeah. For me, it’s easy to say, “I’m bad at this. I’m not good enough at that.” Those are much easier positions to take as opposed to, “Hey, I’m good at this, but I can grow, or there’s a pathway to being better at this.” It’s easier to label myself as unsuccessful or not good at something.

And it’s recognizing that. When you see that and then you can attend to that mindset, more important than the particular goal. Like, “Oh, wow. There I go again, beating myself up.” What do I really think? If I was my friend, what would I be saying to myself? I’d be saying like, “Wow, do great with this podcast; there’s all this business stuff I do. I have a lot of strengths. Yes, I have this struggle, but I have these strengths.”

OK, can I allow myself to at least be aware of this different mindset? And you start to practice it. That’s the jumping-off point for making the changes. Then you want to make the changes, recognizing that there’s a struggle that is hard.

For instance, I do yoga. I’ve been doing yoga for a lot of years. Yoga, or it could be any exercise. My energy levels are like this a lot. There are times where I’ve got great energy, and then I get up and I’m like, “Oh, my God. I’ve got to get out of there.”

I know that any exercise routine, including yoga, needs to be consistent. You've got to keep doing it. One of the things I picked up is every morning when I get up, I roll out my yoga mat and I stand at the front of the yoga mat. If I do nothing else, I have succeeded in doing my yoga for the day. That’s it.

If you can do the equivalent of that with whatever change you want to make, what that allows you to do is to be consistent. Most of us can like, “You can do that. OK, I can commit to that.” You’re a success just for that. I’m standing at the top of my yoga mat and I have energy. I’m going to be like, “I can do my sun salutation. I can handle it.” And it just carries itself. Then, you can move forward.

People I work with, if they want to exercise and they want to start walking, I’m like, “Can you put your sneakers on in the morning? What’s the minimum you can commit to? If it’s putting your sneakers on, that’s your goal, and then we build it from there.” That helps you to build in, back to that feeling good about yourself. Feeling good about yourself helps with the commitment of being able to do it every day.

Feeling good about yourself helps with the commitment of being able to do it every day. -Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

Yeah. Consistency.

Thank you. That’s what I was looking for.

It sounds to me like a lot of this, in making changes, we have to know about clarity of this is why I’m making the change, and this is what I’m hoping to get out of it. But also there’s not a linear straight path between the two. There’ll be good days, and there’ll be bad days, good months and bad months.

Again, for fear of beating a dead horse, if you can have a healthy relationship with yourself, if you have that compassion and self-awareness, then you can get through whatever the struggles are. You can stay on a path, even if it gets difficult. Even as you stumble, fall or whatever, it allows you to get up and keep going.

Along with that, I know it was some time ago when I explained the whole attachment thing and I did it quickly, but it’s how you relate to yourself. It’s also how you relate to others. You want to be in relationship with people who support you, who you feel like are emotionally there for you, and help you feel good about you. Those are the people who, if you turn to them, they are going to be supportive of what’s important to you. That also helps in meeting your goals.

Whether that’s just generally them being rah-rah, or if it’s somebody you want them to help you to be accountable, maybe it’s somebody who asks you, “Hey, how’s it going?” Whatever their role is, you’re surrounding yourself with people who are supportive of you, that you feel safe and secure in those relationships. That will help you to become the person you want to be.

Sidebar: This is actually really cool. I don’t even know when the study was done—maybe it was in the 70s; it was a long time ago. There was this research that was done, and they talked about the Michelangelo effect, which is great. I love this.

Michelangelo was a sculptor. Apparently, if you’re a sculptor or at least for him, he didn’t just have an image and then sculpt the stone. He looked at the stone, he saw the shape in the stone, and he broke away the shapes to create these images.

The idea is that when you are with a partner who sees you have an idea of what you want to be, they see that in you. They see that raw material there, so they are supportive of the person you want to be. It’s the Michelangelo effect. They help you become more of what it is you want to be. That was done with intimate relationships, but truth was friendship too—people who see and support the person you want to be. Michelangelo effect; very cool.

Some of that was finding the right support people. It’s the people who, if you have a bad day in your plan to whatever it is, will acknowledge, “Yeah, you had a bad day. Here’s some good things, but you’ve gotten this far. You’ve already done so much so far. Just because you’ve had a bad day, it doesn’t derail the whole thing.” That they can bring you back to, “Hey, you’re still making progress, even if you had a bad day.”

Great. You want that. We were covering so many topics. Different relationships offer different things, so there’s the person who might do that. There’s the person who says, “Oh, man, that was really tough. Come on; let’s go out and party.” It’s the person who just sits with you and says, “It’s OK. I’ll just sit with you. That’s all right.”

Different people have different roles, and that’s OK. But as long as the roles they have are ones that are helpful to you, that are constructive to you, and are not breaking you down but building you up, or at the very least, helping to hold you while you take your breath so that you can go forward.

What are the support systems or the attachment systems that we want to avoid when we’re trying to make changes?

This comes back to the self-awareness piece, that compassion and self-awareness. You have to know you. If you know yourself, you know where your struggles are. If you’re in relationships that play into your struggles, you want to be cautious. You have a friend, maybe you’ve been friends with them for a long time, but you notice that when you’re with them, boy, your self-criticism goes up. You’re not sure how it happens exactly, but you feel like shit.

You want to take a look at that relationship and say, “What’s going on?” Is it something they’re doing? Is it some reaction you’re having or the dynamic? That’s a problem. If you’re aware of yourself, then you can look. Sometimes we have to separate out what feels true from what is true.

Sometimes we have to separate out what feels true from what is true. -Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

Let’s say somebody who’s negative in your life, they had a right to say that because I’m just so stupid about those things. It can feel true that they’re just being supportive. It’s just that all much to work with because of how horrible you are.

That feels true, but then some part of you can be like, “Well, do I really believe a good friend would talk that way? No, I don’t believe it in my head, but it feels true. It feels like it’s OK.” But if you can separate that just because it feels true doesn’t mean it is true.

Now you can start to reflect on it and think like, “Maybe I need to do something differently. Maybe they’re a good friend, but maybe that’s not somebody I’m going to reach out to when I’m having a hard time. These are my good-time Charlie friends.” Something like that.

I’ll go back to fitness, because it’s just what popped into my head. I have a trainer that I work with, and there are times that we’re doing something. I’m like, “Oh, gosh. I feel like I’ve been doing this forever and I’m just not getting this. I’m just not able to do this.”

He’ll go, “What are you talking about? You couldn’t even balance in this particular way before. How can you not see that you’ve grown in this area, that you’ve made this change?” It’s not in a derogatory way, but it’s like, “Oh, my gosh.”

What is he doing that’s helping you to see that positive?

He’s going back to the beginning, putting it perspectively, and being able to see the big picture. I think as humans, we’re really bad about seeing the big picture for ourselves at times.

If you’re struggling, and if you’ve been at it for a while, where did you start from? Even if it’s just a few steps, that’s the few steps. -Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

I think that what he’s doing is great. That’s something for people who are tuning into this podcast to keep in mind. If you’re struggling, and if you’ve been at it for a while, where did you start from? Even if it’s just a few steps, that’s the few steps.

The other thing that I think is great is the word yet. “I’m not doing it yet.” “I’m not there yet,” as opposed to, “I’m not there.” “I’m not able to,” or, “I’m not able to yet.” That gives us some idea of a future that will be different.

It’s interesting that how we order our thoughts, in a sense, can make a difference. I’m not there, but I see a pathway forward versus there is a pathway forward, but I’m not there.

Absolutely. There are so many different ways to come at this. But it’s falling under this general being aware of what it is, being able to have perspective so you can see what it is that’s helpful, choose to move towards it, see what it is that’s bringing you down, and choose to step away from that, broadly speaking.

We touched it, but how do we deal with setbacks when we’re trying to make changes?

That’s developing resilience. Again, going back to this compassionate self-awareness, if you have a secure attachment, a secure relationship within yourself, then the setback becomes a setback. It’s not a failure, or, “I failed at that,” but it’s not you. It’s like, “OK, I fell down; what do I need to do?”

A Japanese adage: Fall down seven times; get up eight. It’s OK; you’ve just got to keep going forward, but you can do that when you are able to see yourself in a broader perspective, have compassion for you, and then relate to yourself in that way. That helps you to keep going forward.

It also helps you to keep from getting caught up in rejection. Some people are very sensitive to rejection, either rejection from others, or they just tend to reject themselves. It’s the same thing. You have to practice being able to see some of the good things or at least understand the falling short.

Like, “OK, I broke my diet. A lot of people struggle with this. This isn’t me. This is a human thing.” When you can couch something and like…this is just part of being human, this is hard, then the weight comes off of you a bit. You can breathe a little more. You can say, “OK, it’s hard, so is there something I can do differently? What is it that I need?” Now you can start looking for the resources and the changes you can make to help yourself go forward.

Some of the greatest people who have achieved things in the world are people who have failed, failed, failed, and they just keep coming back. They failed at this, but they did this, and then they did this, and then they failed at that, because they just are able to be persistent and resilient.

Edison, it took him a thousand tries or something like that to come up with a light bulb that worked.

I remember I was reading a biography and that was his mood. He wanted to just keep doing stuff. He didn’t care what failed. He figured it was an odds game as opposed to planning things out. Einstein got rejected. He was rejected from being a professor because he wasn’t bright enough, apparently. It’s a combination.

I’ve read a few biographies. Walter Isaacson wrote the biography on Einstein and also Musk. One of the things that really stood out for me is you have intelligence, and then there’s the personality piece of that persistence, and you need them together. You have whatever your strengths are. It’s got to come with the persistence for you to make the gains you want to make in life, whatever they are.

You have whatever your strengths are. It’s got to come with the persistence for you to make the gains you want to make in life, whatever they are. -Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

I think that realization that we will have setbacks along the way, and that’s normal, it shouldn’t startle us. One day you get up and you just don’t really want to get in front of the yoga mat. That happens. It’s not the end of the world. Like you said, there’s no straight line.

One of the things I will tell you that I see for people coming to my office, they’ll come and say, “I just don’t know. I don’t know why I can’t do this.” OK, if that’s where you’re starting, then you need to start with, ‘OK, I don’t know.’” Not, “Why am I failing?” Or, “Why haven’t I done this?” But, “What is going on?” That’s the beginning of self-awareness in my mind. What is going on?

If you’re really at a loss, I don’t want to go too deeply into this, but in my writings and my work, I talk about steam. You can be self-aware in five domains; one of them is sensations. What do I sense in my body?

I was just talking with a patient the other day. She said, “I don’t know why I made the call.” I said, “Why I don’t make these calls that you wanted to help her?” I said, “What do you feel in your body when you go to make the calls?” “I freeze.” OK. That’s a start. If you can be like, “What do I notice in my body?” “Thoughts.” “What are my thoughts about it?” “I’m thinking that if I make that call, I’m going to get rejected.” OK, now we got a little bit more. “And how are you feeling? Sensations, thoughts, emotions? How are you feeling?” “My heart’s beating.” Sensations. “My heart’s beating fast, and then I freeze. I’m really scared.” Build it up from there.

If you really don’t know what’s going on, build it up. A is actions. “What are the actions?” “I’m walking away from the phone. I think about it. Those things happen.” I’m like, “Oh, OK. That’s certainly part of not following through.”

The M is mentalizing. I don’t want to go into that too much, but it’s really fully understanding all these levels of awareness. If you put them together, you get where you’re coming from like, “Oh, I get it. I understand.” Now you can have empathy.

Of course I would not be able to make the phone call if all that stuff’s happening. Now you can begin to see what you need to do to change. Sometimes it comes down to, if you want to make a change and you don’t know why you keep getting stuck, get down to the micro. What are your experiences, so you can be more self-aware and then build up from there.

I like that. There are a few areas in my life where I feel like I’m stuck. I’m going to think that through next time, that I don’t want to do those things.

There you go.

You were talking about plan also. Where do we fail with respect to plans? Obviously, if we don’t make a plan, that’s going to be a problem. Are there unrealistic expectations about our plans? What other aspects of our plan can set us up for failure or not success?

You have to know where you are if you’re going to make a plan, because if you don’t know where you are, you’re going to make plans that don’t fit, that aren’t realistic. -Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

Again, I would come back to self-awareness. You have to know where you are if you’re going to make a plan, because if you don’t know where you are, you’re going to make plans that don’t fit, that aren’t realistic.

Like you said, they’re going to be unrealistic plans. “I need to exercise, so I’m going to start running. I’m going to run a mile a day.” Meanwhile, you haven’t gotten off the couch for a year.

A mile a day is not a great idea. You’ve got to really know what it is you want, then make very specific plans, concrete goals for yourself, and make them small and build up.

You’ve got to really know what it is you want, then make very specific plans, concrete goals for yourself, and make them small and build up. -Leslie Becker-Phelps Share on X

I encourage people to have three levels of goals. There’s the minimal that you can just keep doing so you can be consistent. That’s standing at the top of the yoga mat. That’s tying your shoes or sneakers. For some people, I say walk to the mailbox and walk back. If that’s all you can do, you have succeeded, because you’re building a success mindset. That’s the minimal goal.

Then you want a moderate goal, which is I’m going to walk for 20 minutes, and then maybe I’ll walk-run, or you’re going to build up from there each day, three times a week, or whatever.

Then there’s that idealistic goal. On a good day, maybe you can run. That goes 20 minutes instead of walking. On my best days, this is really what I want to get to.

By having that, that gives you a range of fluctuation. Frankly, we all fluctuate in our abilities. But wherever you are in the range, you’re still succeeding, which is great. Be aware of that. Be aware of your environment. How can you set things up so that you’re most likely to succeed?

If you want to stop drinking, you probably don’t want to hang out with your buds at the bar. You want to be aware of where you are, you want to be aware of your environment, you want to be aware of who are the people you’re surrounding yourself with, and do your homework to know how to accomplish the goals you want.

You mentioned exercising. Really do your homework on what are the best exercises for you, given your lifestyle, given your age, your level of fitness. What’s a good plan that you can then set into motion?

Let’s say you’re stuck in a dead-end job and you want to expand your career. Don’t be like, “Oh, I’m going to go to school.” Start with, “I’m going to explore the right career for me and develop those goals.”

Have them appropriate level goals. Know that there are different milestones along the way. Expect that you’re going to have up days and down days, and prepare yourself for that, to how you can respond to that, how you can help yourself through the difficult times.

I like that—preparing in advance for a down day. “What am I going to do when I have a bad day? How am I going to respond? How am I going to get myself back on track?”

I assume those are easier thoughts and processes to come up with when you’re having a good day, as opposed to, “I’m now in the midst of a bad day, and now I’m having to try to figure out how to get out of it,” as opposed to, “I’ve already thought this out. I already know what to do when I have a bad day.”

That’s the planning part. That’s the sitting down. All those things that I just listed, you sit down. Frankly, for me, I think it helps to write things out that’s not true for everyone, but I think it’s true for a lot of us.

If you have these things written out because then you can be clear, because the truth is, you think about it, and then come this afternoon, you forget everything you thought, and then you’ve got to start over again. That’s not helpful.

If you’re someone who really struggles with not just falling down on the particular activity that you want to be achieving, but just maybe you tend to get down or you tend to get anxious, what are the tools that help me at those times?

Write out the list. You don’t have to, like you said, in that moment, be like, “OK, now what do I do?” Frankly, if you’re down, it probably might get hopeless. “It doesn’t matter what I do, and I can’t think of it anyway.” But if you have the list, you’re more likely to go through, do it, and follow through. You’re sharing a lot of really good ideas of how people can help themselves.

To me, I had to go through these phases where I feel overwhelmed at different aspects of life. I’m thinking through of, while I’m not feeling overwhelmed, I write down, “Here are things to do if I’m feeling overwhelmed. Here are the easy steps to do,” as opposed to, “I’m overwhelmed. Now, I have this responsibility of having to figure out how to get not overwhelmed in the moment.”

Exactly. What you’re saying, those are all really good approaches. I’d add a couple of things. In Buddhism, when they talk about pain versus suffering, we all have pain. We all have difficulties, struggles. The suffering comes when we fight the pain. “Oh, I shouldn’t feel that way.” Now you’re beating yourself up. Now you’re suffering on top of the pain.

The more we can accept that, “OK, difficulties come along, so how do I want to deal with it,” that’s more helpful, which is what you’re talking about. Just facing it for where it is.

Writing things out, which is what you suggested is really good. I would add to it that times when you’re having really good days, you’re on it. You’re feeling really good, but you can remember the times when you really struggled. You know those times are going to happen again because we have up and down days.

The moments when you’re feeling really good, sit down and write a letter to yourself, to your future self who’s going to be struggling. Not telling him what to do or whatever, but more like, “I get it. I’ve been there. I understand this is hard. It feels like it’ll never get better, but I am telling you, as I write this letter, that I am feeling good. You will feel good again.” Hard as it is to understand, maybe you put a couple of suggestions. I found that it really helped to meet up with my friends or whatever.

Mostly, the letter is about, “It’s OK. It’s going to get better.” It’s hard for us to believe that in a moment, but then you keep that letter in some place that’s accessible. When you’re feeling down, you pull the letter out. No one could give you a better pep talk than that letter because you know that’s you. You know that you really meant it. You can remember there was that moment. That can help you to move forward. If you add that on top of the tools that you have all said, I think you’re really building up a great chest of coping skills.

I love it. As we work towards coming into a landing here, are there good resources for making changes? I know you have a blog where you talk about that. Are there other good resources? And where can people find that blog?

Thank you. Sadly, I don’t have the resources on my mind, but I have no doubt that if you google New Year’s resolutions, making changes in your life, or whatever, you’re going to come up with a zillion options.

Just be sure when you read them, does it resonate for you? Or is it more about somebody selling their wares? If it’s making you feel like you’re missing out on some kind of great thing, is it snake oil? Just be aware of that.

In terms of your response, yes, I have a few resources people can access. On Psychology Today, I write Making Change blog, where I talk about making all kinds of different changes in your life.

On my personal website, I have Authentically You Blog, where I talk more about really connecting and the things that I’ve been addressing.

I also have a YouTube channel. I have these three-minute videos on all these different topics. I have playlists so you can go through the playlists. I actually really love that. It’s slowly developing a community of people. There are a lot of comments. I encourage people to do it—comment. That’s great stuff.

I have three books if people are interested. My first book was Insecure in Love, and that’s addressing if you struggle with intimate relationships, if you feel anxious in them. That could be a big help. Truth is, the book can help you if you struggle in relationships that even aren’t romantic relationships. It helps.

My second book was Bouncing Back from Rejection. If you struggle with rejection, that might help you.

The last book that just came out this past year is the Insecure in Love Workbook because my first book was continuing to sell so well that my publisher said, “Could you do a workbook? It might really help people.” That’s that. That’s a beautiful book. It gives you how-tos of going through the process.

Part of the beauty of it is that I include some of the developments of my thinking that’s not just from the first book but from Bouncing Back from Rejection where I developed that steam concept that I told you about of being more self-aware on those levels. That all comes into play. That’s great.

All those things might be helpful. My website is drbecker-phelps.com. If you forget that, my name is Leslie Becker-Phelps. I am the only Leslie Becker-Phelps on the planet. If you put my name into a search engine, you can come up with all my stuff. I’ve been doing a lot of writing for a long time.

We’ll make sure to specifically link to all of the listeners. We’ll link all those resources. The books, your website, all of those will be in the show notes as well.

Thank you. One other thing I want to say is I really do this because I want to help people. Go to your library. Don’t have to even buy my book. Yes, I would love it if you buy my book. I’m not being ridiculous. But go to the library, take it out. If you can’t afford it or you don’t want to put the money in, I encourage you to do that because if it can help you, then that’s what you want to do. The articles in the YouTube videos and all that, that’s all free resources. I think you’ll find some real helpful stuff there.

That’s great. A note: Many libraries now have partnerships with ebook platforms, where you just get your local library membership and you can download the books. You don’t even have to go to the library to get the books anymore. I don’t even know where the nearest library is anymore.

Audiobooks. A lot of people seem to like my books and audiobooks, but personally, for this kind of thing, for my mind, it’s reading. But novels and stuff, I love downloads. I’m cleaning, I’m doing all my stuff in life, and I’m listening to my books. It’s great.

I love it. Thank you, Leslie. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. I think this will really help people set up for success with making changes in their lives.

Thank you so much. It’s been a fun conversation.