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5 Things to Teach Your Kids About Predators with Michael Buraimoh

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“Parents have to make sure that they’re open with their children when it comes to discussing online safety. There has to be honesty.” - Michael Buraimoh Share on X

Many parents assume that their children will never be groomed by a predator and then miss the opportunity to educate their kids on the techniques that are used. Every child, regardless of gender, can be manipulated and tricked into making poor choices and put themselves in dangerous situations. Today’s guest is Michael Buraimoh. Michael joined Breck Foundation as CEO in January 2022. He is dedicated to the foundation’s mission to create a better online world for children and young people and is helping take the foundation’s important work to new heights. He is an author, and having his own children inspires him to create a safer digital world for them to grow up in. 

“Taking away the tech takes the grooming underground.” - Michael Buraimoh Share on X

Show Notes:

“Young people these days are digital natives. For them, it’s not optional whether they want to engage online or not. They have to.” - Michael Buraimoh Share on X

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Links and Resources:

Michael, thank you so much for coming on the Easy Prey Podcast today.

Thank you for inviting us.

You're very welcome. Can you give myself and the audience a little bit of background about who you are and what you do?

Breck Foundation was founded in 2014 by Lorin LaFave. Lorin LaFave is a mother of a young boy called Breck Bednar. Breck, 14 years old, was very tragically murdered by someone he met online. He was groomed over a period of one year and very sadly died in February 2014.

After that very tragic event, Breck's mother decided that the organization needed to exist. She realized very quickly in that period when her son was being groomed that something was going on. She, very importantly and I think incredibly, recognized that grooming was happening at a time when grooming was not something that's on the radar of many people.

She reported to the school, she reported to the police, she used the term grooming because she recognized that that was what was happening. But very sadly, despite everything that she did, she couldn't save her son. She believes very strongly that Breck, her and Breck’s story, had someone visited Breck’s school and spoke to him about a real-life story like the one that the organization is now custodian of, he would be alive today. She set up the charity to make sure that what happened to Breck, her son, never happens to another child.

As an organization, we do two very important things. We educate young people and we take a whole community approach. We believe that every adult or young person should hear about Breck's story. Every adult should know the signs of grooming. Every child should know the signs of grooming. So we take a whole community approach. We empower young people. We train teachers. We speak to parents. We speak to various people whose job it is to safeguard young people, including the police.

The second thing that we do is we work on policy. We work to influence policy, because ultimately there's a limit to what families can do, what parents can do, what parental controls can be achieved, and how much young people can keep themselves safe as well. We need the government to come up with policies that can strengthen the governance of the Internet and help keep our young people safe.

We need the government to come up with policies that can strengthen the governance of the Internet and help keep our young people safe. -Michael Buraimoh Share on X

Thank you. What were the circumstances under which you came to work for Breck Institute? Was this just part of your career growth, or was there something that they reached out to you. How did you end up there?

My background has involved working with young people within the criminal justice system, for example, helping them to avoid getting reoffended. I think the main reason why I was a strong candidate for this job when I saw that opportunity is my experience of helping to reposition small- to medium-sized charitable organizations for growth and for impact.

The Breck Foundation, since it was founded, had been run by Lorin LaFave, who is the mother of Breck. She had put everything that she had into the organization, and it got to a point where she thought it was time to bring in someone who will help take the organization forward in a more strategic way.

Moving away from that organic growth or period when the organization was developed to a more strategic process that can see us reposition the organization for greater impact for scalability so that we're reaching farther than we've ever done before, and just for sustainability as well so that the organization can be around for much longer and helping keep young people safe.

That's an important role in the growth of charities once it gets beyond the original founders.

Absolutely. Lorin is still a great part of the organization. Lorin is always doing media rounds on behalf of the organization. She's a fantastic ambassador. She carries the vision of the organization. I am helping to do what I was brought in to do, and I'm very happy to say that we have seen significant progress since we've been taking a strategic approach, which is fantastic because it means we're building wealth on the foundation that has been laid.

That's awesome. Let's talk about some of the work that Breck Foundation is doing, and let's specifically talk a little bit of Breck's story in terms of what's going on with grooming of kids online, what kids should know about it, and what parents and teachers think of the different angles of that.

Let's talk through the warning signs that parents and the conversations they should be having with their kids concerning grooming.

One thing we always say is that parents have to make sure that they're open with their children when it comes to discussing online safety. In protecting young people, there has to be honesty. -Michael Buraimoh Share on X

One thing we always say is that parents have to make sure that they're open with their children when it comes to discussing online safety. In protecting young people, there has to be honesty. Young people have to be able to talk to the parents knowing that they're not going to be judged, knowing that if anything goes wrong while they're online, the parents will understand. The parents can show understanding.

We say there are a few things, a number of things, that parents should really be aware of. One is they should ignore misconceptions about grooming. Breck's groomer, the individual who groomed Breck, unlike what most people will think, was not some grown-up man in a basement somewhere looking for young people that they can groom. In fact, Breck’s groomer at the time that the grooming began was 17 years old. At the time of Breck’s murder, he was 18, so he was an adult.

Young people have to be able to talk to the parents knowing that they're not going to be judged, knowing that if anything goes wrong while they're online, the parents will understand. The parents can show understanding. -Michael… Share on X

Such misconceptions mean that a lot of parents will see the kids with other children and not take much into account of what is happening in the interaction that the children are having because they feel that's not the typical profile of an online groomer.

The other misconception that we encourage parents to do away with is the idea that there are certain children or types of children that fill the mold of someone that can be groomed. Breck was from a very loving family. Lorin and the family were quite on the ball in terms of recognizing things that were happening to Breck and the changes that were happening in him. They were also a family that the socioeconomic background was not one that many people will misconstrue to be or misunderstand to be the typical for young people that are groomed.

The other thing is Breck obviously was a boy, and many people believe that grooming is a thing that affects girls only. Some of those misconceptions need to be put aside when it comes to grooming.

The other thing is many parents assume that it can't happen to their child. Many parents think that it's something that happens to other people's children, not theirs. They need to understand when it comes to the Internet, it is the one place where they can't put a barrier to keep their children safe.

They cannot close the door. Physically, when your child is at risk, you can close the door, put your child in the house, lock the door, and they're safe. In this case the thing that can harm them is inside the house with them, in most cases. It opens up the world to them in ways that nothing else could possibly do.

Like I said before, not being judgmental is a key one. When we are talking to children about their life online, we need to let them know that there is no need to be secretive because we're not going to judge them. That is very key.

When we are talking to children about their life online, we need to let them know that there is no need to be secretive because we're not going to judge them. That is very key. -Michael Buraimoh Share on X

One of our values as an organization is that we say we are pro-tech. We're not saying children should put their gaming devices down or any other technology that they use. We want them to use it because there are a lot of positives that come from having a digital life. One way that we believe that parents can help keep their children safe is to be actively involved in the young people's digital life.

That means simple things like playing games with them, knowing what video games are played, what is the latest thing? If any parent discusses the latest tech in gaming with their children who love gaming, the type of engagement you're going to get from them is going to be very different from discussing most other things.

The children open up, become more relaxed, and feel free to tell you about the friends online, the people they're playing with, and the things that people say when they're online. That's some of the things that I think are really important for parents to have in mind when trying to keep their children safe online.

With respect to gaming, it's like, sit down with the kids and say, “Hey, I hear that this game is really exciting. Can you show me how it works? Can I play against you, with you?” whatever, and just experience it with the kid as opposed to all gaming is bad. You must stay away or I don't even want to know about it.

Absolutely. If you're there with them, it creates trust and trust is what will lead to them being able to tell you anything that's happening to them online. One thing that happened in Breck's story that helped to actually perpetuate the grooming that was occurring was when Lorin reported to the police, the police advised her to take away the tech, which she did.

Taking away the tech drove the grooming on the ground because the groomer then sent Breck a shiny, new phone. Once Breck was in possession of that, it became something that was driven way on the ground and became really difficult for the family to know what was happening. At the time, Breck was led to the groomer’s flat and very sadly killed, the family thought that things had gotten better.

They didn't see him talking to anyone. They didn't see him talking to his groomer. They thought things had changed. But no, it hadn't. It had simply been driven underground.

What was the age difference between Breck and the person who murdered him?

Breck was 14 and the person who murdered him was 18 at the time of the murder.

Relatively small age difference.

Four years.

I can see why you're saying that outside of the normal conception of usually you're thinking someone who's 10, 20, 30 years older, as opposed to this could potentially be a peer.

Absolutely. I think one thing that is important to mention at this point is there are a few things that parents can watch out for or look out for. I've just said some things about how parents can keep their young people safe online in the first instance. But in a situation where something is indeed happening, there are a few signs that parents can look out for, and there are things like signs that someone is controlling or manipulating their child.

Breck, at the time of his grooming, suddenly changed his behavior. He would not engage normally with his family. He will tell his parents things that he heard from his groomer and basically parrot the things that a groomer was telling him about why he shouldn't listen to his parents, why he shouldn’t allow anybody, including his parents, to control him, and just getting him to listen only to him. That behavior can indicate that something like grooming might be happening.

The personality changes, basically. Behavior changes. Risk-taking as well. They might be taking more risks. They might be increasingly isolated, and Breck was increasingly isolated, including from his closest friends. He suddenly began to associate more with this person online that nobody has met before—not even him. He was isolated away from his friends.

Obviously for other families, things like your children or your child suddenly coming back home with gifts and freebies, showing sexualized behavior, and keeping secrets from you, basically, when they would not normally do that. Those are some of the things that parents can be on the lookout for. Like I said, not only parents, anyone really that has a child anywhere in their lives should be on the lookout for any such signs.

How do you differentiate what would be considered the normal changes in adolescence where their relationships are changing, they have falling outs with their friends, those normal adolescent changes, versus you're talking about isolating and not connecting with our normal friends? How do you know when it's just the normal ebb and flow of teen relationships versus something a little bit more scary?

I think in a way you can't be sure. It's not like it's an exact science. You cannot be sure that that is what is happening. But if you see a number of these things happening at the same time, then it's worth considering that possibility. Ultimately, that's what it is, and then seeking help. If it turns out that that's not what it is, then fantastic, your child is safe. But if in fact it is what it is, then you won't have assumed that it's something else and just left it without taking any action.

I think no matter what, and we know that, obviously, there are a lot of these changes that happen in young people naturally, especially when they become teenagers, but it is absolutely important that parents don't just assume, especially when there's a combination of them and they're also happening around the time when a young person is spending a lot of time online. I think that it's important to look more into.

I think you and I are of age where we didn't grow up online, so it's hard for us to understand how much online interactions mean to kids these days versus you and I, and trying to find that balance of, “OK, these are people in real life that he knows, but they're just interacting online versus who knows who these people are.”

Young people these days are digital natives. For them, it's not optional whether they want to engage online or not. They just have to. Otherwise, they're going to miss out on their education, they're going to miss out on their social life, they're going to miss out on so many things because that's just the way it is. And we have to accept it.

That is why we always encourage parents with this idea that parents think it's cool to not—I think there's a term for it; I can't remember right now—know tech. I'm not bothered by it. That time has passed. Parents and adults have to get the latest technology as much as they can lay their hands on, as many as they can lay their hands on, and get used to what they mean, what young people do on them, and how they're used.

Parents and adults have to get the latest technology as much as they can lay their hands on, as many as they can lay their hands on, and get used to what they mean, what young people do on them, and how they're used. -Michael… Share on X

Parents familiarize themselves with technology that young people are using today, even if they're not actively using it for themselves. Let's just know about it and know how it works. And talk to the kids about it. It's an opportunity as well to both learn about such technology and to also engage the young people on that technology, because the young people can be the people teaching them.

I'm going to make an assumption here that you're not coming from the position of this is a problem with a technical solution in terms of just taking these apps off the phone or putting these technical rail guards in place, but that it's more about relationships.

Absolutely. There is a place for some of those things, the ones that do work. Parental controls, settings, and phones that limit access and age appropriateness of what young people access and all that. There is a place for all of that, but where those things fail—and they do fail, as important as they are—the final guard that young people can count on is going to be their own empowerment. It's going to be what they know.

That is why Lorin believes that had Breck known the things about grooming that we now teach young people, he would have been able to protect himself because he didn't believe when people were telling him those things. But if he had known, he would have known exactly what to look out for.

The technological solutions, there are many of them that people are creating every day. There are some that are working well and there are some that are not. But no matter what technological solutions we have, the relationship with young people, the empowerment of young people, and just creating the environment for young people to be able to come and talk to their parents about things they're experiencing online is crucial, and I would say more important.

I would tend to agree. We were talking a while here about the parents’ perspective and watching out for the kids. You were just mentioning if Breck had heard this story told, maybe things would have happened differently. What is it that you're telling kids to watch out for separate from, independent of, what you're telling parents?

For young people themselves, we tell them things like if someone you're engaging with is being too friendly, too complimentary, too flattery, just showering you with attention, and showering you with gifts, then you should suspect that something is up. Breck's groomer did exactly that.

Breck's groomer told Breck that Breck was the cleverest of his friends, that Breck was with someone he could trust after he lied to Breck about being someone that works for the government in the US, the security services. He lied about being someone that has got a lot of money, that travels all over helping the CIA, and all sorts of things. He also told Breck that Breck had the kind of things that he would be looking for if he was looking for someone to take over his many accomplishments, businesses, and achievements.

There was that flattery and that compliment, and trying also to create a wedge between him, his family, and his friends, telling him negative things about his family, telling him negative things about his friends, trying to isolate him. If anyone is doing that to a child, the child should immediately see alarm bells and know that something is happening that shouldn't be happening.

Another thing is telling the child to keep the conversation they're having a secret between the two of them and no one else. When someone tells you that, you should know something is definitely not right.

The other thing is somebody telling you to send them photos of yourself, videos of yourself, especially doing things that you should not be doing at home, or showing to anyone that you don't know, or showing to anyone, really. Anybody asking you for videos and photos of yourself, you shouldn't be sending them at all to anyone.

If someone's asking for that and then asking you to not let anybody know that you're sending them, or threatening you and saying that if you don't send them, or if you're telling anyone about sending them, that they're going to do this, they're going to do that, or they're going to release the photos you've already sent them.

All of those things are things that young people should be aware of when dealing with people they don't know online and even people they know online. If they're asking them any of those things, if they're behaving in any of these ways, then the young person should really be reporting to their parents that the experience they're having is suspicious.

With respect to reporting, what reporting should parents and kids be doing?

For young people, the first thing we tell them is to look for a trusted adult to talk to about what is happening. That can be a parent, it can be a teacher, or anyone else that they have the hand to report to. For parents, we would say normally if it's something serious that's happening, if it's an emergency, then obviously you want to immediately ring for help. In the UK, that would be dialed in 999. In the US, I know that would be 911. In various parts of the world, dial for your emergency services immediately.

Somewhere like the UK, we have things like CEOP (Child Exploitation and Online Protection Command). If you report anything to them, they will investigate it. They will follow anything that you tell them. They'll go through chats that have been had, they will just investigate it, and they will keep you informed as a parent of the investigation. If you suspect that a child has been exploited, abused online, or is being groomed, then you want to report to them.

There are many other places where you can get help. The Internet Watch Foundation, for example, here in the UK, that is. You can get help. I'm sure the resources that they have, many people from other parts of the world can access them, and they will ultimately be useful. We have Childline as well, which the website is childline.org.uk. That's another place where you can get information.

There are several others, I'm sure, that will be more relevant to the parts of the world where people are. Just get in touch with them and don't hesitate at all. Even if it's going to turn out that there was no problem, that there's nothing happening, you should not at all overlook any suspicious signs that your son, your daughter, or your child has been groomed.

Do a lot of the online platforms and games have mechanisms for reporting suspicious activity?

Young people can, no matter what platform, report directly from there as well, and that is very important. Whether you're using Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, Facebook, Roblox, Twitch, Discord, they all have reporting mechanisms on there.

Instagram, for example, if you have an Instagram account, you can report a profile or content on Instagram that doesn't follow their guidelines and they will look into whatever is reported.

Whether it's nudity, sexual activity, hate speech, something to do with bullying or harassment, or someone selling illegal things online, whatever it is, if you report it to them, they will investigate and they will look to act on that. We absolutely encourage young people to report online.

As a matter of fact, we have a program or a campaign that we are currently running, which is called Screenshot, Shutdown, Report. So SSR—screenshot, shutdown, report. The idea is that sometimes, it is hard to know when something online is just being weird, being criminal, or if it's just not right, and we want young people to have the tools with which to deal with such scenarios.

We believe that if young people or parents go to our website, breckfoundation.org/ssr, they'll be able to get all the information they need, all the tools they need to be able to screenshot when they encounter things online that are not right, to be able to shut down communications that they don't want to continue to have, and to be able to report to either the platforms or, like I said before, to adults that they trust in their lives.

I really like that you're starting with the screenshot on that campaign, because I think if an account or person has shut down the account or deleted things, it's often hard to say that the person said or did this, but I don't have any proof of it. It's always nice to keep that evidence trail of what you did see and why you reported it.

Absolutely. When you report to somewhere like CEOP, for example, they will normally ask if you have any evidence that you can show them to help them with the investigation. If you screenshot it, then you can give that to them and they will be able to do a better job of investigating it.

That's awesome. Are there additional resources that Breck Foundation has?

Actually, we have a lot of resources on our website that parents will find very helpful. Just go to breckfoundation.org/help. We have many resources there, conversation starters, for example, that parents can use to have conversations about young people's digital life or lives. Go to that website and there are a lot of resources on there that you can use to help keep your young people safe online.

Awesome. If people want to help Breck Foundation and their mission, are you guys a charity in the UK or the US? How do people participate in that respect?

We are a charity registered in the UK. If you want to help in any way, if you want to make a donation, then we are always grateful for those. Our website, breckfoundation.org, has a very prominent donate button. You can donate from anywhere in the world, really, and it will be much appreciated. It will go a very long way. Anything at all that anyone is able to donate will go a long way in enabling our work to continue to empower young people.

Any parting advice or last final suggestions that you have before we wrap up today?

We always say to young people to remember to play virtual, but live real. It's very important. Your real friends, your true friends, are the people you know in real life. -Michael Buraimoh Share on X

We always say to young people to remember to play virtual, but live real. It's very important. Your real friends, your true friends, are the people you know in real life. Even if you play in games and do other interactions with other people that you don't know, with strangers online, you should always remember not to give them any information about yourself. Not to allow them to ask you to keep things secret from your family.

Just remember the things that you need to do to keep yourself safe and to always be bold and confident to report to adults in your life about things that you see online that are not suspicious in any way at all. Just remember, live real, even if you're playing virtually.

I love that. Play virtual, live real. We all definitely need to have real-world friends.

Absolutely.

We'll make sure to include for the listeners all the links in the show notes and encourage those that are able to support the work of the Breck Foundation to go online and donate. Michael, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today.

Thank you very much for having me.

 

 

 

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